God, The Father I’m Longing to Get to Know

But you can’t get away from yourself. You can’t decide not to see yourself anymore. You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head.”  Jay Asher

Have you ever thought randomly that there’s something you’re doing now that you know you should be doing instead? Whether that’s mustarding the energy to go out to take a run or cooking that recipe you bought ingredients for. There’s always that thought or small reminder that makes its presence known one way or another.

I’ll be really honest with you guys. That scenario I gave is exactly how my relationship with God has been. I always find a way to occupy myself when I know I should be giving time to God. I have the bible, the notebooks, and even reading material, but my stance with God is unknownst to me. That was until I wrote this blog post. It’s a long story and I’m ready to go over it. I too have to confront why it’s been hard for me. 

God has always been a presence in my life, especially since I’ve been a little girl. My whole family is Christian and I’m even the granddaughter of a pastor! When I say you would think it would have been easy for me to live as a child of God, it hasn’t exactly been that way… This post is sharing how God is someone I want to invest a relationship in. Seeing how I’m getting older and life is still going, getting to know Him is a foundation I need. Being able to make that declaration shows how devoted and ready I am for this!

My Backstory with God

I set the date to soon reflect on myself to tell my testimony. I truly know as well as seen the wonders of God and the darkness He brings light in. My family survived a category five hurricane to be able to move with no money. It’s amazing to know the very things He can do. God has been patiently by my side since I breathed my first breath. Even when I came out of my mother’s womb.

My first memory I can remember of my relationship with Him was when I was on the praise team. I enjoyed doing performances of worship for the Church, getting everyone to praise the Lord with joyous music. I went from dancing to singing in the choir. Singing became a favorite when I got to grab the mic to sing! I always enjoyed being physically involved with church. But being young, sermons were something you just couldn’t wait to be over.

Faith Began to Fizzle Out

As I got older, my family stopped going to church. It was only due to seeing how hard it was to find a new church home. We did bible study at home and did small things here and there. I too was baptized along with my sisters. Once I got to middle school, my relationship with God diminished. I began to do life all on my own.

From making my own choices to committing sins that I didn’t know were bad until now. I’ll be straight with you all to say I was (and still am) a lukewarm Christian. I still am now where I listen to music of the world. Or make choices that still makes me feel like I’m relying on myself. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but now’s the time I realized that it’s been too long. I can’t keep doing the same thing or figure out life all on my own. 

The Moment I Decided It’s Time

I had this reflection recently, which is why I need to remind myself. To write down when I have these deep thoughts or conversations with myself. Remembering it this way, I was listening to a Christian podcast. I was straddling between trying to be good to my Heavenly Father and relying on my own understanding. The girl in the podcast said clear as day:

God sits there, patiently waiting for you to come to Him. No matter how long it takes or when you’re finally done living the way you are, He will be there. He never abandons you, rather waits for His daughter to come to be protected by her Father.”

LylA anne, growing through it podcast

When I say I stood there and realized how patient God was, I thought to myself how selfish I was. God loves me enough to be able to wait for me! I finally understood what it meant as He is my creator and how His love runs deeper than I know. Even when I did mess up recently and have sinned so many times, how could God still oversee that and wish to help me. That’s only the surface level and who knows what comes after.

How could someone who knows I’ll make another mistake still wait for me? Someone who’ll forgive me even if I still do what I want to do knowing something is wrong. God wants me to see the fruits He can produce. the love that can be grown genuinely when I seek Him. He doesn’t want me to fail and he wants to help me where I am. The only thing God asks for me is His love and to live just as Jesus did. 

The Realization and the Connection

I will say the one thing I love about myself is how self-aware I’m learning to be. The only reason why I’m in love with this “level up” achievement is because I think I pinpointed why and where this distance between God stemmed from. 

When I was young and in seventh grade, my dad had passed away and I was in the middle of custody. Reflecting on how I was in this opportunity where I was going to be able to get to know my birth father, he was taken away in an instant. I, however, was blessed to have two fathers. My other father raised me as his own before he had my sisters with my mom. 

The sad reality though is that even though my dad was there in my life, the distance was there between us. Some of which I feel I hold a little responsibility for and a bit of potential that wasn’t fully grown. I had the presence of another man who I could look up to and it wasn’t exactly how it was.

I don’t love him no less and I appreciate him for being that father figure for a girl like me got to have. Seeing how important a father’s relationship to a daughter is where I noticed this pattern. I’m treating God just like how my dads treated me unknowingly. I was fighting for this acceptance and this love that they too most likely dealt with from their families. And in no way am I blaming them because I think I was supposed to have learned this lesson to get to know myself and to be able to share this today. 

What I Learnt

I’m scared to be hurt again and let myself be vulnerable with God. Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a daddy’s girl and that I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to feel loved and be proud to know my father’s there to enjoy small moments with me. I know my fathers loved me a lot and my time with them was short, but I wanted that closeness. 

To say that I have three fathers in my life is absolutely a blessing in itself! God, another Father who is waiting for me to become His little princess. He wants to be right next to me when I want to cry and be proud of me when I do something good. He loves me unconditionally and has been there in those moments when I thought no one was. There’s so much life ahead and God wants to walk with me, hand-in-hand, as he shows me life one day at a time.

Documenting my Current and my Reality

Right now, I want to share how my days have been lately and to show that I don’t have it all together. Being a Christian is something to be proud about and the road ahead isn’t going to be easy. I pray and ask God to keep this post as a reminder for me to remember His goodness to teach me to be obedient to Him.

So, lately, I’ve been working and letting my job become an idol where I feel like it’s something I need to rely on. I work a regular retail job, which I’m absolutely grateful about and I’ve grown an outlook of seeing I can serve God’s people. Sometimes if I don’t get the hours I need or if I overwork myself, I worry that my paycheck may not be able to help me survive in how the world is now. 

When I get home, I constantly have work on the brain and stress about my finances. There is so much consumed in my mind after I get off work that I notice it distracts me. I eat dinner, watch shows, and focus on decompressing in ways where I don’t pick up my bible and study. 

God is nowhere in my day, only when I listen to my Christian playlist ever so often and whichever podcast I play. Even with my bible app, my streak is 1,793 as of March 16, 2026, but I’ll be open too that most of those were to add onto my streak. There’s so many devotionals I stopped reading halfway or don’t read at all. I even have bible verses all over my homescreen theme and I still go about my day relying on myself. 

I’m acting and living lukewarm, especially when my foot is sometimes in but I take it out everytime. God doesn’t talk to me or I haven’t had those spiritual encounters yet. I’m at the starting base at a game of kickball that never truly started.

And you know something. That’s okay. ♡

It’s Time and I’m Ready

As I bring this to a close, it makes me feel good that I was able to finally sit and be honest with myself. To be able to share this feeling that’s been on my heart lately and why I’m ready to take that step with God. Everyone’s path to how they met God is different and beautiful in its entirety. As a twenty-something, it’s never too late and if anything, I’m ready for that time to be now.

I pray that whoever reads this sees how patient God is with you just like how He’s been with me. He’s still there for you and is not disappointed at you. Just like how a teacher guides us until we’ve mastered that one hard curriculum, God is willing to take all the time He needs to show how much He cares about you. 

I’ll be back to update you guys on things that will go and what’ll happen next! Thank you so much for reading and please do take care. Have an amazing day/evening and I can’t wait until next time for when I share how things have been lately!